


The Pissing-Off of Shizuo Heiwajima

by Romulus1408



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Comedy, F/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romulus1408/pseuds/Romulus1408
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't got time for this, all this shit that they keep making me do in Ikebukero. I ain't got time for it. I mean, i got as much time as i damn want, but it ain't what i want. I don't give a damn about time, i wanna be happy. I want a nice life. A peaceful life. My name literally means "Peaceful Island", why doesn't anyone get that? They just see me and start picking a fight. I don't wanna fight. I've always wanted to live a normal life. Heck, any life sounds better. But, ain't anything i can do to change it. Suppose i might as well try to fix it right? No point in living with a problem that can be solved through words. But ain't really the talkative type you know? Anyway, i'd like to think that i'll get a break if i just try to get away from all this crap. That Fleabag Izaya can't hurt me if i go to Osaka or somewhere like that, right? Dammit.<br/>Dammit.<br/>Dammit.<br/>Dammit.<br/>Dammit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pissing-Off of Shizuo Heiwajima

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> This one was suggested by one of my editors. They wanted to see if i could make a Celty/Shizuo ship feel cannon. Well, here we go! I'm going to try this to the best of my abilities, but be aware that some of this is based off of the Dub-characterization. I'm posting this first chapter on Izaya's birthday, kind of an ironic tribute to the man who stirs all of the shit in the world. 
> 
> There ain't gonna be a lot in these first few chapters. It's just gonna be Shizuo hitting on girls with Tom. I know, it's kind of wierd, but sue me, i'm trying to have fun with this.  
> Anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this!

1

Dammit

 

why does this kind of shit have to happen to a guy like me?

Every damn day here in this piss-pool of a city. Makes me wanna vomit. There have only ever been two reasons for me sticking around this sess-pool.

 

  1. that fleabag Izaya

  2. and Celty Sturleson.




 

“Hey Shizuo? You still with me? Come on man, I need you to be with me for this one. This guy is pretty hard to get a hold of.”

 

“What? Sorry man, I got some... stuff... on my mind” I said as I sipped some drink that tasted like distilled piss and smelt faintly of perfume. I looked out over a view of Ikebukero. A town full of coincidence. A town full of shit, full of crazies and angry piss-taker teens with no sense of reality. A bunch of nut-jobs and perverts and crazy people with no sense. It's sick, it's stupid, and there's nowhere else I could be. A man like me could only ever be here. Heck, even my kid brother lives here. I suppose it's just our family. The kind of stuff on my mind tends to drift to these ideas. I just keep thinking that kind of stuff. I mean, it never happened to my dad, or my mum. So what the hell happened? I think it was my old-mans thing. He was never really at peace either. I hate that. People like me and Yuhei can only ever live in a place like this. A place where our kind of despair is almost too common. Where nearly everyone's story is just as crazy and insane as ours. Like those kids that Celty is friends with, or that pervert doctor, or Kadota, heck even Tom hasn't been always been that normal either.

 

“Hey, Shizuo? Come on man. Your foods getting cold.” Tom said, furrowing his eyebrows. I'm glad Tom's my friend. I don't got many. Ain't to many people who don't piss me off. I always wanted a peaceful life. I tried doing shit like yoga, or writing novels, or reading, just anything to get rid of it. Bit the way yoga people talk makes me want to rip up their inner-health. My writing tends to result in sentences like

 

_He rode off into the sunset._

_THE END_

 

which just pissed me off. NOTHING ends like that. I tried reading, but every word was annoying as hell. I heard painting is good, but I just end up painting that scumbag faced-down in a pool of his own blood. My name translates to “Peaceful Island” In English. It makes sense. I've always lived alone, with nothing but a sea surrounding me. A sea of ridicule, a sea of pain, a sea of violence, just a sea in general. It kind of sucks. I've surrounded myself with people, a sea of people that I've never really gotten close tow. The people stick around on the island that is me, then leave once they've seen all of it. Some people just don't have anything better to do. I bet that Pervert would forget about me the instant some other punk comes in with anger issues. Maybe even...

 

 

“Hey Tom? Can I ask you something?” I said, through gritted teeth.

 

“Is it about the job? If you're wondering who the guy is, his name is Tsouske Tachibana. He's kind of a dick. Nobody likes him if they know him, nobody knows him if they like him. That kind of guy. He buys lot's of thing for girls without paying it back. He ain't to tough, so you don't have to do much to him. He runs away pretty damn quick though. He's like 50 or something, but he ain't anybody's grampa.” Tom said, kind of tired. I know Tom too well. It's the last collection of the day. Unless this guy gets him a way to pick up a girlfriend, he ain't gonna be to interested.

 

“No man, not that. I heard you before. I just wanted to ask. How do you stay calm?”

 

“Do I look calm to you Shizuo?” Tom said as he drunk from his own piss drink.

 

“Not that, man. How do you wind down, even if you ain't calm. I know you've been telling me some stuff, but I don't typically listen. It pisses me off” I said as I lent back in my chair. I lit up my cigarette. The smoke flew up quickly.

 

“Well thanks for your vote of confidence, pal.” Tom said, dryly, smirk on his face.

 

“Well, I want to listen now. Better late than never, right?” said with a smirk, my voice kinda obscured by the cig.

 

“I suppose. What brings this up man? Something happen?” Tom said, I suppose he knew ME too well as well.

 

“Well, no. Not really. I've just been thinkin is all.”

 

“Thinkin about what?” Tom said, furrowing his brow. I bet if he worried any more he would look like a pug.

 

“Just things man. This city man. This place. It's kind of...” I said, trying to figure out what to say.

 

“Crazy? Insane? Dirty? Rat-infested? Dangerous?” Tom said, looking even older than he did when he was furrowing his brow. I get why people call him old man. He worries more than a grampa, without actually having any kids.

 

“No, that's to be expected. I mean... just. It's so fucking weird. I mean... I've never had to deal with this much shit. Remember back in middle school? I don't think about it too much, thinking ain't my thing, but...”

 

“Yeah I know man, I've never seen more shit being stirred in a town than at a waste disposal plant. I ain't got to much of an issue with it though. Means we get paid better right?”

 

“I've never cared much about money.” I said, drinking my piss thing. I reckon it was some prissy drink the higher ups drink. Probably people like that punk Izaya. Fuck's sake.

 

“Of course you wouldn't. If you wanted to, we could shake one of those big wigs and get about as much money as the boss within an hour.”

 

“You know why I wouldn't do that” I said as I tried to eat my food. It was some kind of fancy shit that looked like somebody and spewed it out onto the plate. Godammit Tom.

 

“You want a peaceful life?”

 

“I don't wanna do shit like that bastard Izaya!” I raised my voice a bit. I could feel something stirring a bit. But I don't think Tom minded much. He just sort of sighed. I don;t wanna cause him trouble. I owe him that much.

 

“Yeah, I know man.” Tom closed his eyes as he breathed out. I did the same.

 

“Look man, is something up? I've known for you for years, but you've never talked like this before in all those years.” Tom sort of absent-mindedly ate the liquid from his plate.

 

“Well... fine. I suppose I can't really lie to you, can I?” I said, leaning my arms onto the table, my chin in my palms.

 

“I can tell when you're lying. You try to smile.” Tom said as he drank his thing. I immediately noticed a smirk that was creeping up on my face. I looked into the window's reflection.

 

I looked like an asshole.

 

I dropped the goofy ass smile and looked back to Tom.

 

“Do you remember that time we talked about girls?”

 

“What?” Tom immediately stopped drinking. His eyes widened. Dammit.

 

“Okay, chill man. Just,like, listen. “ I felt my cheeks redden. Godammit. I hate doing shit like this. I don't talk about shit like this. I've never talked about anything like this, even with Yuhei.

“You said, i _t's about time I get myself a girl'_  or something like that right? I mean, I've been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. And before you say anything, yes, I know that's weird for me. But things have been happening man. You've seen it right? The shit with Dollars, the stuff with Celty, shit has been happening, and I feel like all of it has something to do with that bastard.”

I said, kind of angry now. Anytime I say that little maggots name, I feel like I'm going to pull out the floorboards and throw the waiter out the window. His tie was crooked.

 

“What does that stuff have to do with a date?” Tom said with a smirk. He took a sip of his drink.

“If you think Izaya is gonna stir you up a date, then you've been thinking way to hard.” Tom said, kind of drunkenly.

 

“No man. I mean. Like... everyone I know... that doctor, Celty, those kids, Walker, heck even Izaya! They've all got someone! Someone's there, someones backing them up, right? I've been thinking, I mean, I know that you've always backed me up, but...” I said, I was tripping over my words. I was getting more and more pissed as I said this shit. I kept having to figure out how to say this. Dammit.

 

“You want somebody to be with? Really? Well, I ain't against you going for it. You do need someone else to hangout with except for those guys and me. You need someone normal. Or at least, someone who isn't insane.”

 

“You think a normal girl could like me?” I said, an eyebrow raised. I had a felling he was lying and he knew it too.

 

“Of course I do. You're a good guy. You look like your brother as well. Any girl would love to have!”

 

“Thanks Gramps, how many have you drunk of those?” I said, laughing lightly. Tom's always been a bit of a light weight.

 

“Believe whatever the hell you want man, i'm just saying. It wouldn't be too hard to find you a girl, if you just tried talking to one.”

 

“I talk to girls all the time. Do you remember that one girl from last week?”

“That was a hooker Shizuo! The one before that was trying to steal your wallet!”

 

“I still fucking talked to them! I even got her phone number!” we were both kind of riled up now. Too much to drink I reckon. Fuck.

 

Tom, had kinda risen from his chair a bit. He just sighed again and sat back into his chair. God, we're wrecks aren't we?

 

“Hey, Shizuo? Why you asking me this? I haven't had a girlfriend for months.” Tom said, attempting to drink his thing again. He ended up with a face full of ice. I smirked. I probably looked like an asshole.

 

“Well, you had a girlfriend! I ain't ever even known a girl all that well!”

 

“Didn't you say that headless rider was a girl? How about that? You talk to her every other week right? How about it?” Tom said, he seemed genuine. I've never really thought about Celty like that before. She's always been that girl I call up when I want some ass to kick or someone to vent at. But I suppose...

 

Nah, she's with the pervert. Despite everything that's happened, I suppose Shinra's a good guy. If I had to say it, like if you had me at gunpoint, I would say he is an OK human being. Better than Izaya anyway.

 

“She's into that pervert guy. No point going there. I don't suppose you know anyone in Ikebekuro like that though? It turns out the only people who like being around me are like you or like Celty. People who are kind of nuts.”

 

“You haven't found that kind of thing yet? We're in fucking Ikebukero! This ain't like the boonies or something, weird fuckers are everywhere!” Tom said, he gave me a funny look. He was getting drunk as shit. I think we aren't going to get much work done today. What time is it, like 6 at night? Fuck sake.

 

“Come on old man, let's talk about this where less people will give you shit. The only reason they aren't throwing you out is because you look like a pensioner.” I said with a smirk. I called up the waiter with our bill and used Tom's cash and halved it with mine. He didn't say much after that. He just kind of swayed every so often and I held him up. Dammit. I hate doing this kind of shit. I suppose it's OK, it's a small price to pay, right? We left the bar, or the restaurant or whatever it was.

 

 

Dammit.  

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think thus far?  
> Leave reviews and ideas in the comments. I look forward to what you guys think.  
> Please don't kill me if i got Shizuo's character wrong.  
> Any criticisms go straight to the comments, Ok?  
> Thanks for reading guys!  
> Bye!


End file.
